The                       
China Democrat
A wholly owned subsidiary of
PUGUA' International Corporation
Shanghai, Peoples Republic of China
hachamori@excite.com

Komix
Jokes, Jokes & more Jokes.

"Any girl can be glamourous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Submitted: 12-May-2000 by: Rita Paulsen, Quebec, Canada.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
Submitted: 4-May-2000 by:  Peter Rue, Hong Kong

Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.
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Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
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Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
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Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
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Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.
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Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.
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Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
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Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.
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How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of
time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types
were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is
that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
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Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
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Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
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What does it mean when men say "I Love You?
1} Please sleep with me.
2} I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3} I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4} Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5} What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6} Stop nagging me.
7} What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
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Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
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Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
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What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.
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Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
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Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat
is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is
a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The
closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why
would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to
sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn
thing. We aim to please.
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Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb
male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't
get ). What more could any of us males ask for?
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Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.
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Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do
men fear commitment?)
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Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you
think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply
cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around
a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least
with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic.
It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...
err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with
fun extras like dual air bags.
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What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that
we want to see you repeatedly.
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What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.
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Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our
most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
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Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and
environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor
coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice... Practice...Practice... (See also:
Do all men really masturbate?)
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Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.
Submitted: 4-May-2000 by:  Peter Rue, Hong Kong

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was happy the nite was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey ! You wanna see my underwear ?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.

She glanced down and said, "Nice pattern. But does it also come in men's sizes ?"
Submitted: 27-Apr-2000 by:  Jesabel Marx, Gettysburg, PA.



Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "hey that's a good idea!
What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "it's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old adies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "what size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "one that will fit a camel!"
Submitted: 27-Apr-2000 by:  Jesabel Marx, Gettysburg, PA.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love". "Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this.

"Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' , but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."
Submitted: 15-Apr-2000 by:  Tom Buttons, Seattle, WA.

A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.

"No problem" says his friend, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."

So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friends advice, he proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and finally, soft snoring.

Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the commode.

"Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in town."
Submitted: 12-Apr-2000 by:  Jan Shipley, O'ahu, HI.



Imagine....
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
Submitted: 2-Mar-2000 by:  Ed Jimenez, Palo Alto, CA.



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